By:  LINDSEY O’NEILL, ESQ

I’ve written about break-ups and infidelity.  What’s next?  Is it divorce or forgiveness?  That is up to you - those of you actually on the brink of divorce or the end of a significant relationship because of an affair.  While adultery is undoubtedly a devastating situation, it doesn’t have to result in ending what is really a good marriage. Bad things happen to good marriages, to good couples.  It is a mistake to think that if an affair occurred, then the relationship must not have been good from the start.  It is a mistake to think that someone must not really love you if they cheated.  In fact, statistics show upwards of 60% of men have cheated, and 40% of women have cheated, on their loved ones. Can you save your relationship after an affair?  Absolutely - if all the right ingredients are there.  It is a mistake to think that divorce is your only option.

Rebuilding trust and repairing the damage to the relationship after the affair is a long, often difficult process, but it can be done!  In fact, statistics show that most couples to work things out end up having better, stronger, closer relationships than they did before.  So how do you stay together and save your marriage?

STEP 1 - End the Affair.  Period.  No contact.

STEP 2 - Talk.  Talk to each other.  Talk to a therapist committed to helping you move past the infidelity.  The cheater needs to apologize and come clean about the betrayal.  The betrayed spouse needs to listen, stop blaming (both the cheater and him/herself), and move away from the anger.  The couple needs to understand why the affair happened and recommit to the relationship and to a renewed life together.

STEP 3 - Get Support.  In addition to support from a therapist, get support from a trusted friend, perhaps a family member (though they may be more protective of you than supportive), read books about surviving infidelity.   The recovery process is undoubtedly a “two steps forward, one step back” type of situation.  Most of us need to be able to vent our feelings throughout the process, and not necessarily always to your partner.

STEP 4 - Perhaps talk to a family law lawyer, one experienced in these types of matters.  Some couples find it useful to put formalize some of their renewed agreements and commitments to each other.  For instance, some couples renew their vows.  Some couples use mediation to enter into mutual agreements. Some enter into legally drafted post-marital or post-nuptial agreements addressing what would happen in the event of another infidelity.  A legally binding agreement may help make the betrayed spouse better able to trust and reassured that if their trust is misplaced (and the spouse cheats again) that they will be financially protected.  Some couples may even try a trial separation. 

STEP 5 - Allow the LOVE back in.  Find a way for the love to return between you, which is bigger than the pain, to take center stage again.  You both deserve it.  Good luck!