By: LINDSEY O’NEILL, ESQ
I’ve written about break-ups and infidelity. What’s next? Is it divorce or forgiveness? That is up to you – those of you actually on the brink of divorce or the end of a significant relationship because of an affair. While adultery is undoubtedly a devastating situation, it doesn’t have to result in ending what is really a good marriage. Bad things happen to good marriages, to good couples. It is a mistake to think that if an affair occurred, then the relationship must not have been good from the start. It is a mistake to think that someone must not really love you if they cheated. In fact, statistics show upwards of 60% of men have cheated, and 40% of women have cheated, on their loved ones. Can you save your relationship after an affair? Absolutely – if all the right ingredients are there. It is a mistake to think that divorce is your only option.
Rebuilding trust and repairing the damage to the relationship after the affair is a long, often difficult process, but it can be done! In fact, statistics show that most couples to work things out end up having better, stronger, closer relationships than they did before. So how do you stay together and save your marriage?
STEP 1 – End the Affair. Period. No contact.
STEP 2 – Talk. Talk to each other. Talk to a therapist committed to helping you move past the infidelity. The cheater needs to apologize and come clean about the betrayal. The betrayed spouse needs to listen, stop blaming (both the cheater and him/herself), and move away from the anger. The couple needs to understand why the affair happened and recommit to the relationship and to a renewed life together.
STEP 3 – Get Support. In addition to support from a therapist, get support from a trusted friend, perhaps a family member (though they may be more protective of you than supportive), read books about surviving infidelity. The recovery process is undoubtedly a “two steps forward, one step back” type of situation. Most of us need to be able to vent our feelings throughout the process, and not necessarily always to your partner.
STEP 4 – Perhaps talk to a family law lawyer, one experienced in these types of matters. Some couples find it useful to put formalize some of their renewed agreements and commitments to each other. For instance, some couples renew their vows. Some couples use mediation to enter into mutual agreements. Some enter into legally drafted post-marital or post-nuptial agreements addressing what would happen in the event of another infidelity. A legally binding agreement may help make the betrayed spouse better able to trust and reassured that if their trust is misplaced (and the spouse cheats again) that they will be financially protected. Some couples may even try a trial separation.
STEP 5 – Allow the LOVE back in. Find a way for the love to return between you, which is bigger than the pain, to take center stage again. You both deserve it. Good luck!
Lindsey O'Neill is the Director of Legal Content and Strategic Development at LawInfo.com. Ms. O'Neill is a California licensed attorney based in La Jolla and experienced in a wide variety of legal and business matters.
WOW, what a difficult topic. We are generally wired to think that there is something better somewhere else. Marriage is no simple commitment. The level of integrity required inside of marriage is significant. It is a learned behaviour, not one that comes naturally. I think sometimes couples expect it to just work out. A successful or satisfying relationship of any kind requires effort. Most couples would say they put in the effort and still don’t get the results they want, so they blame the other party. I would suggest taking a closer look at the effort instead of blaimg each other. Something is missing in the actions being taken. So identify actions that will generate the result youw ant.
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i chosen forgiveness, my husband told me he has cut off the relationship with the other woman. Many times he brought up the issue, and told me he didnt do anything wrong. I hv forgave him and accepted the facts calmly without rage and anger. At time he asked me if i am angry, it hurts me even more. i found out the affair on 15 Feb 08 and confronted him on the 22nd Feb 08, he deny first, till i dial up the other woman handphone no. on my handphone. I found out thru intially suspicious and then his phone bill and credit card resits. And i am having so much pain inside me when he deny that he did anything wrong. During the confrontation, he said he was wrong and apologized. Dont know what is going on.
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not to blame the other party and build up a new relationship with your spouse and make it work
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I forgave my wife but i find myself wondering why she cheated on me, i asked her she didn’t really know why ( it was only in writing she said,the wrote back and forth in a journal and it was very explicit on his end) . she has to communicate with him because he is a recovering addict and lives on the property, she is head of the department and part of their treatment is that she has to talk to see if treatment has help. She did stop this before i found the journal because she felt it was wrong and if something happen to me she couldn;t imagine life wwithout me. Yet i find myself wondering why she did it? I figure it was because of old ways took over her and she wanted to experience him because they talk about me and she told him i was a beautiful man, husband and father.
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I have been married 18 yrs and have 3 children. Found out in NOv 08 that my husband has cheated on me again. This is the 3rd time and I am tired and don’t want to move on. I do love him, but am just tired. He states that he loves me and that he has just been stupid, but this is the 2rd time in 18 yrs. Do you have any suggesstions? I really need some advice. I want to make the right decision.
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Lindsey Reply:
May 27th, 2009 at 11:01 am
Hi Cris. I can certainly understand what a difficult and frustrating situation this is for you and your family. Infidelity is devastating. Before you make a decision regarding what to do next, I suggest you speak to a divorce attorney who can explain your options. After 18 years of marriage, there will certainly be marital assets that would be divided in accordance with your state’s laws and any agreements you have between you. There may also be the issue of custody, visitation, child support and alimony. Many people find it empowering to understand their legal rights should the marriage end in divorce, regardless of whether you ever end up filing for it. You can find an attorney through the directory located at http://www.lawinfo.com.
I do hope you can benefit from some good counseling in the meantime.
Good luck to you!
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