Infidelity…. Should you be able to sue the person who had an affair with your significant other?

1539 days ago by
72 comments

By:  LINDSEY O’NEILL, ESQ

If a husband has an affair with another woman, should the wife be able to sue the other woman for emotional damages?  What if the couple isn’t married….. should the girlfriend of a cheating boyfriend be able to sue the other woman for the adultery?  Or vice versa – should a man be able to bring a lawsuit against an affair-partner?  Should any injured partner in a relationship be able to sue the pants off someone who snuggled up to their honey?  (Well, technically, their pants were already off, but anyhow…..)  Now, my question here is limited specifically to the situation in which the couple appears to be happy – he tells his girlfriend how much he loves her, they have all kind of fun with their friends, everything appears to be great…… but he’s secretly having an affair, intentionally lying to his girlfriend…. and the other woman agrees to carry on the affair under wraps. 

   Put it this way, the betrayed party has many choices for dealing with their partner when an infidelity is discovered - divorce, break up, stay together, throw things at him….  you know.  The point is, there is some level of accountability for the betrayer – he loses his wife or girlfriend,  may have to pay spousal support in divorce, will likely bear the wrath of family and friends, etc.  Even if a he begs her for forgiveness and gets lucky enough to get a second chance, he’ll have to go through the arduous process of earning back her trust, which usually includes a loss of certain freedoms previously enjoyed, etc.   What about the affair-partner?  There is that age-old argument…. “Well, its not HER fault…. the husband is the one who chose to break his marriage vows…. the affair-partner didn’t make any vows to the wife, why should SHE be held responsible.”  Well, why shouldn’t she bear some responsibility?  She’s equally at fault!  SO WHAT if she didn’t make any commitments to the wife or girlfriend.  Does that make it right for her to go after someone else’s husband or boyfriend?  Does that make it right that she should participate in the lie, the deceit, the fraud?  Does that make it OK to intentionally harm and cause emotional injury to the innocent wife or girlfriend?  Even if the doggish man pursued her…. she still knowingly entered into the affair. 

Here’s the thing – we’ve decided as a society that certain behaviors are not OK.  As a result, we’ve decided that there are certain standards by which people are obligated to act.  We expect people to act according to “that degree of care that an ordinarily prudent person can be reasonably expected to exercise under similar circumstance.”  If someone acts “unreasonably” in those situations, then they can be sued for the harm caused to a third person as a result.  For instance:  

If you are injured by a driver who failed to exercise reasonable care when driving on the freeway, you can sue them because all drivers have a duty to act reasonably to prevent harm to other drivers. Doctors are supposed to perform their duties as any other reasonable doctor would in a similar situation, or else face liability for medical malpractice. Store owners must put up a sign when a floor is wet, because society considers that to be the reasonable way to act to prevent someone from slipping and falling.  Homeowners must warn guests in their home of any sort of danger that may be posed by an ongoing remodeling job of the kitchen.   If someone punches you, you can sue them for injuries for intentionally hurting you! You can even sue someone for intentionally harming you emotionally and psychologically. If someone tells a bunch of lies about you, you can sue them for defamation and damaging your reputation. You can sue the manufacture of a toy for failing to adhere to certain standards to make the toy safe to play with. You can even sue someone for interfering with a potential business relationship - for convincing someone to breach a contract with someone else.  …..  but in most states you can’t sue an affair-partner for interfering with the most important relationship of your life? Or for helping them to break their commitments or vows to their wife/girlfriend or husband/boyfriend? Isn’t it reasonable to expect that other people won’t have a secret affair with your spouse?  [Note: A handful of states do allow a wife to sue the mistres…. these states have what is called “alienation of affection” laws that allow a spouse to sue the person who ‘seduced’ the spouse and ‘alienated’ the spouse away from his/her husband or wife.  However, the lawsuits are fairly uncommon, in part, because its difficult to actually collect any real damages from the affair-partner.) 

 Now, alright, I know I’m simply discussing general legal principles here and applying them to the circumstance of the “other woman” or “other man.”  But…. it just seems right to me that people should be held accountable for the harm they cause to others – especially harm to the things most of us consider to be the most valuable, fundamental relationships in our lives.   So sound off people….  What do you think?  Should we hold those good-for-nothing, deceitful, behind-the-back, home wrecking, boyfriend-stealing, girlfriend-wielding, petty, pantiless, pathetic people responsible?? Or should they get off Scot-free?  All we’d be doing is holding them accountable, along with the cheater, for failing to act the way we expect anybody else to act, the way we expect any ordinary person, any reasonable person, to act.   And, hey, if the affair-partner were required to pay damages to the innocent spouse for the injuries she caused, then perhpas there would be a deterrent effect and less cheating would result all around.  Just a thought….

 

Let me know what you think!  Looking forward to your comments …. Just scrowl down and have YOUR say!  

UPDATE:  March 2010:  In North Carolina, a wife wins a $9M lawsuit against her husband’s mistress for “alienation of affection.”  Here you can read the abcnews.com article. 

Should you be able to sue the affair partner?
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  • Hippity Hoppity

    Ummmm . . . in North Carolina you CAN do this. We actually have two causes of action: alienation of affection and criminal conversation.

  • Maybe Not

    It’s a pretty good point. Personally I wouldn’t sue if I was cheated on unless circumstances like these were present and then I would consider it:

    It impacted me financially-business relationship

    It impacted me physically-STD, etc.

    But being lied to, fooled, or betrayed…I guess I hold my self responsible in that case. Not that I did anything wrong, but clearly something is missing for me that I chose to be with and failed to recognize (or address) issues of integrity and intimacy.

  • iamorangepeels

    Sounds utterly facist…the law has no buisness interfering w/ people’s love lives. If you want that kind of drama watch divorce court.

  • Jules

    While I am not in favor of more suing for the sake of the “sue-happys” looking for another way to extort money or hand-outs…I feel this digs way too deep into affecting the primary relationship in our lives.
    Absolutely… both parties should be held accountable for their actions and wrong-doings! Either the other woman or the other man should be held accountable for the emotional, mental, physical, and/ or financial damages that they inflict upon not only the wife/girlfriend or husband/boyfriend but upon the family as well. The affair does not only leave its sludge and taint the relationship between the wife and husband/ girlfriend and boyfriend but it bitters all those involved with the couple…family and friends on some level….so they should at least be held accountable to the ones directly affected. Go get them!

  • Pam

    Well, since I am a victim of betrayal, I say yes because I AM injured and for 4 years this “other person” knew exactly what they were doing. Now everyone will think how could she not see the signs but strangely enough my husbands way of cheating was not the norm, at least not to me. There was no perfume, nights away unexplained, he would leave the house as early as 6am on a Saturday saying that he was going hiking and return back back around 11am to 12 noon. Now he is a hiker and it wasn’t every Sat. but the only thing that could have tipped me off was the phone no. on his cell, which he explained that “Mac” was a contractor and of course the phone calls were at the oddest times. Not like others whose calls were late at night and of course she never called the home ph. no. She left a text message though, on Christmas eve with some corny little message like “even though we are apart…you are always in my heart.” That’s how I found out and I NEVER check his phone but it was blinking and I thought the battery was low so I went to plug it in and voila! The rest is history. Christmas will never be the same.

  • Samantha Cali

    I just did something similar to a girl Jenny who tried to help me-i am getting back at my ex and it feels good

  • Jose Canales

    Well here in Texas I don’t believe that anyone wants to go after our wifes or husbands lover. We believe its our wifes and husbands fault, they are the sinners. In Texas they do pay, for adultery they loose almost everything. Custody of children, house, vehicles and cash. Just notify your divorce judge and show them a video where the sin is being committed and walla your husband or wife is finished. But on the lover I guess you can always sue for harassment
    and emotional distress caused by this pursuing harrassment.

  • what’sthiscountrycomingto

    you’ve got to be kidding. I take it the author had a terrible experience herself. It will never hold up in court. On top of that, you’ll be potentially liable for atty fees and costs for filing the frivolous suit. Who said the “other person” even knew your spouse was married. How are you going to prove that? You can’t tape record a phone conversation…federal offense and a state one in most states. Nope, your only recourse is to dump the jerk and get a good div. attorney. Chances are the spouse will come running home unless you had a crappy marriage to begin with which brings us back to the main defense..which will be.. “you never paid attention to me.” How are you going to prove or disprove that? Nope…the courts need to stay well clear of this mess. Leave people’s private lives and their marriages alone unless seeking a divorce. The courts’ dockets are already backlogged with serious civil and criminal cases, we don’t need to pile this crap upon them as well.

  • amanda

    they should be drained dry and hung out to dry they should go to jail or at least be beat till they think they are going to die or wished that they would die. choke them, beat them, let them know you have been there.

  • Faithful

    In California, we’re a “no fault” state…anything goes here. It’s horrible. There’s no sanctity for the marriage vow. It’s too easy to get married, too easy to get out. What’s the point? I believe in God, I believe in my vow. My husband and his girlfriend have chosen to turn their back on both, justifying their actions through that glorious catch-all: we were “just friends”…of course they were! That’s how MOST affairs begin! “Just friends” who send out feelers and cross a forbidden line, feeling deliciously exciting and leaving untold destruction in their wake. His girlfriend has dumped a surgeon husband and is ruining the lives of two young daughters, just for the sake of her selfish mid-life identity confusion. My husband is experiencing his own mid-life family-of-origin issue, and this was his way to avoid the pain…drown it in the euphoria of an affair. Seventeen years of a mostly good life with my best friend…down the drain. My entire adult life of memories, entwined with this man, and he acts like we never even happened. I’m better looking, smarter, kinder, funnier, and definitely less controlling than this woman…he’s not in it to trade up. He’s running from himself, and she was encouraging him wholeheartedly. He needs professional help; our therapist says so. She is a mixed-up woman, and she just thinks ours is a marriage problem. It isn’t. She is egging him on to get out of the marriage, and he’s too foggy to even see her manipulation. In a year or so, he’s going to come out of the fog and realize he’s decimated his nest egg, decimated his sweet little life, and wonder what the hell he’s done. If she were not in the way, he could heal SO much faster (with or without ME in his life.)

  • Ruined

    How about this. What if you found out your wife was having an affair? What if you had reason to believe that one or both of your children may not be yours? What if I told you in Massachusetts, the caselaw holds up and the judge will not allow for paternity testing? What if you had to agree to pay alimony in lieu of child support for six years at the same rate you would have paid child support, reviewed annually to get the paternity test complete? What if you found out the two children were proven NOT to be your children, and that there was a 99.9% chance that they have DIFFERENT fathers? And what if I told you that I may not be able to get out of that rediculous agreement, while she is still in a relationship with the father of the second child? What if I told you I was MARRIED to this woman for 12 Years?!?
    What if I told you she was having affairs with TWO men at the same time over the last two years of this marrige (term marrige used loosely).
    What if I told you it was all TRUE!
    So, in closing, I have been mislead, humilated and had, by a woman who was having one affair on and off for 7+ years, and another for the last 2, and was led to believe that these children were mine. Have paid to raise 3 other peoples children, have had to pay child support over the last 5 months for two children that aren’t mine. And now, she will most likely be living with the father of the second child, while I am paying this rediculous human being for six years……..WOW! You don’t think I should attempt to sue not only my soon to be ex-wife, but the other two unscrupulous individuals as well? I would submit to you that is well justified & should be allowed. Thanks Massachusetts! Lets let not hold the people responsible for this rediculous set of circumstances accountable, no we’d rather continue to pennalize the innocent and by the way FAITHFUL person who has to deal with this BS for the rest of his days on this planet.

  • kevin kercheville

    is this true in texas if i have damaging evidence of the affair can i take all. even when my house is payed for and both are names are on it,i can prove my father payed for every penny.can i get her name off the deed for the affair.she never signed in documents.im ready to hang it in her ass for what she did im just curious if this is possible

  • Innocent and hurting

    My husband had an affair with a woman who knew that we were married. I asked my husband to stop the affair and the other woman as well. The affair was over rather quickly but it resulted in the birth of a child. I decided to seperate from my husband and we eventually reconciled. I don’t blame the baby because he is innocent. In fact, I treat him as one of my own during visitation. However, the “other woman” has continued to disrupt my childrens life and my own. My husband and “the other woman” are both at fault. My husband was wrong and he has done everything possible to put our marriage back together and help our children heal. The “other woman” continues to disrupt our life. My children and I are innocent and we should not have to continue suffering and being harrassed by her. I want to sue her because it has taken a toll on me and my children. I had an emotional break down and can’t function on a normal level. I don’t want to sue “the other woman” for money, she has none. However, I want her to be accountable for her actions as my husband was. She need’s to be accountable for her continued harrassment. Simply bringing her into court and being able to tell her how she has shattered innocent lives would be enough. I hope to find an attorney who will help me and my children.

  • Norma Ramirez

    I have a story that should be on television. (Lifetime). I wish I could write a book as I do believe it will be a best seller.

  • Daydreamer

    Absolutely should. so it won’t be so easy to just turn lives upside down and cause innocent people grief and sorrow for a long time if not a lifetime. If there are potential penalties, people would think before they acted on a whim !!

  • oh please!

    Gimme a break! How many wives see to it that their husbands needs are being met? Are they keeping up their end of the marriage contract, or just collecting a paycheck and the bennies of marriage and letting some other poor fool do all the work for free? How can you not know that your spouse is cheating on some level. Quit being the victim of your own neglectful behavior.

    Men don’t wander if they have a good reason to stay.

  • torture

    The other woman has always called screaming at me. My husband never protected me from these calls. The affair is still going on and off. My husband cannot make up his mind. I have become mean because of this and if I could take the other woman to court for years of mental torture, I would feel comfortable doing so. Then I would deal with my husband.

  • charlene

    My sister has been married to a cop for 16 years and they have a very sweet 13 yr old son who found proof of the affair on his dads cell phone that they already suspected and downloaded it on to his computer and gave my sister a copy for her attorney. But your big mistake is you are waiting for HIM to make up his mind? Make it up for him take his retirement and spousal support, what truley keeps a man with his wife is his wallet. needless to say my oustanding citizen of a cop brother in law will now have an empty pocket and the other woman he’s been spending their money on will dump him and he will be alone. My nephew will have nothing to do with his father and that alone will haunt him for the rest of his life. what ever happened to divorceing someone you dont want? He has made a fool out of you and your letting him get away with it.

  • charlene

    then maybe they should be a real man and leave her instead of cheating like a scumbag. The problem is there not men enough to leave, because when the other woman decides she dosent want him anymore he wants to be able to run back to the woman who takes care of him in the firtst place. If you dont have a good reason to stay get out of there and let some other woman do your laundry and cool your dinner. You truley sound like an idiot.

  • charlene

    thank you!!!!!!

  • Max

    This is sort of off topic but hopefully you can help. Here’s the scenario.

    A stranger (possibly her friend, boyfriend, ex-boyfriend, internet friend, etc.) emailed to this man and said, “I think you and I are being played”. Basically, the story is about triangle love and this stranger has doubt to the woman he loves. Now, the recipient doesn’t know who this stranger at all. What can he do? Can he sue for harrassment and emotional distress?

    Thanks,
    Max

  • Lin

    I also agree with the above people. My Husband has been having an affair with a girl i work with (probably for the last 2 years). She was a friend and spent many holidays and parties with us. My children are devastated and the worst thing is i work with her everyday in the same room. I work in the legal system, so is there no recourse I can take even on a Civil level. You would think there would be something that could be done. 17 years gone because of a woman that all she dates is married men. How sad for all the other women out there.

  • Ex-Betrayed Spouse

    You said, “Should we hold those good-for-nothing, deceitful, behind-the-back, home wrecking, boyfriend-stealing, girlfriend-wielding, petty, pantiless, pathetic people responsible??” You assume that the “other person” who fell in love with your spouse did it out of a burning desire to be just plain evil. My research has uncovered that a great many of those “other persons” and “cheating spouses” held themselves to a high moral code and unwittingly fell into the “chemistry trap” of what they call “love.” So, unless the “cheating spouse” is a cake-eater, you suggest suing people for falling in love. That would mean you should also be sued for daring to fall in love with your spouse. Why not sue the “cheating spouse” twice (once for falling in love with his spouse and once for falling in love with the “other person?” Now that seems equitable and non-judgmental…just sayin’…

  • Janie

    You need to read some statistics on affairs. Believe me, a husband can have an affair on their LUNCH HOURS while the betrayed is at work in an adjoining city. None of the friends/co-workers of the other woman are going to tell the wife. I never ever thought my honest, very nice , very moral husband would ever be having an affair…but he was. As the other woman co-worker was going through a divorce she would unload her story on my husband. She’s known us as a married couple for 20 years. That didn’t stop her from the “I’ve been so mistreated” stories which my husband believed. She knew exactly what she was doing because my husband was such a “good” guy and her’s hadn’t been. When he finally told me, he ended it completely and we’ve been in counseling for a year and a half. He has done everything from calling from our home phone when I’m at work while on his lunch hour to giving me his passwords to his work email. She has had no repercussions. So yes, I would love to sue her for lose of affection and emotional stress and trauma. It is exactly like a death in the family.
    An intentional assault, if you will…

  • Jenny

    How about my husband left me and our son for my best friends 23 year old daughter (hes 43) that we have known since the age of 9. My son was best friends with her brother. I treated her like a daughter. I would love to sue the pants off of her. She is also to be held accountable for her actions which are disgusting.

  • Jaime

    I think the other person should be sued for interfering in the emotional distress that can happened to the children. They should be accountable for destroying a marriage. This should send a message that you do not covet another man’s or wife’s spouse and think you do not have consequences for your actions. When you go after another person’s spouse you know you are destroying the family children and the financial distress that comes along with a divorce and counseling for the children. the spouse that is cheated on is due some kind of restitution for emotional distress. Maybe this would send a message to other people is this worth it to hurt children or cause undo mental hardship to a family. the only think is there a lawyer strong or moral enough to tackle a case like to this to bring justice to the hurt victim. A good strong lawyer would take a case like this and set a presidence that there is consequences for your actions. if a marriage is damage it should be worked out between the husband and wife with out outside interference especially if there are children are involved.

  • http://www.blog.lawinfo.com Betrayed and duped

    Are you kidding?? Why do you assume the other person even knows the one she was dating is married??? Married men (& women too, I’m sure) lie about this all the time, claiming to be single, so that they can get the “other” to go out with them. Sometimes they cover their tracks so well, that it takes a couple years for the other person to discover there is a spouse. The other person has been cruelly manipulated into this relationship by the partner’s deceit, against his/her will, and often times wanted no part in a fling with a married person. This is completely and utterly devastating to the other person as well, who finds his/herself way too involved and often in love, planning a future with the believed single spouse, before findingout there is a marriage. He/she is left out in the cold completely, with sense of self destroyed, ability to trust destroyed, feeling robbed, and with absolutely no recourse. The cheater often plans a future with the other person, including marriage and children, to perpetuate the lie and maintain the trust. These relationships often result in pregnancy, with the cheater only showing their true colors upon finding out. Moreover, the other person must grieve privately, for fear of exposure, judgment and retribution. His or hers is a forbidden grief…he or she is not even allowed to feel heartbroken because of society’s need to villify and blame the “other person” who intruded on the marriage. In reality the other person NEVER asked for this, never wanted this, generally has to break off the relationship with the cheater his/herself because the cheater wants to keep both relationships at any cost, and absolutely does not care about the pain caused to the spouse or the other person. Please think about this before going after the other person who supposedly wrecked your perfect marriage. The cheater has the responsibility, not because the other person took no vows of allegiance, but because the cheater deliberately orchestrated and manipulated the whole affair for the sake of his/her own ego. Even if the other person “made a play” for the spouse, he/she can’t say no?? Please!!! If they had a little respect for their husbands or wifes, and if they gave a damn about anyone else’s wellbeing, the affair wouldn’t have happened. Also, don’t forget that if it wasn’t the other person, it would just be somebody else. Aw those poor, naive, unsuspecting husbands and wives–it doesn’t just happen by accident. People who cheat do so because they want to, and they feel entitled.

  • http://www.lawinfo.com Lindsey

    Good points! If the cheating husband lies to the other woman about being married, and she participates in the relationship with him thinking he’s single, that is a bit of a different story. Though, I certainly understand how this happens in short-term affairs. But, come on, after a while (you mentioned years!) don’t you wonder why he can’t be with you at certain times, why he’s not available, why you’ve never been to his house (or if you have, why so infrequently), why you haven’t met his family… that kind of thing? In the law, there is a legal principle imposing liability in certain situations based on whether a person “knew, or should have known” better. In other words, you can’t be “willfully blind” in order to try to escape liability for wrongdoing.

    Though, this particular blog discussed when the “other woman” actually knows she is dating a married man (or a man in an otherwise committed relationship)…. and participates willingly in the deceit.

  • Susan

    I have almost the same problem. Been living witht the guy 7 yrs – together 11.
    Came home one day out of the blue, with the bomb that he wasn’t happy and miserable and that something had to be done. That was 10 weeks ago.
    He treated me nasty all those weeks – making me think I h ad done something to cause all of it. Within that time, I found out 3 days after telling me the bomb that he booked a vacation with the other woman. And within that time, talked about going to counseling to help US. When he went on this vaca – telling me it was a business trip, he told me while he was going out the door – to find a place to live. While he was gone, I found out she is a married co-worker. I kept it to myself till he returned. I hit him with all of it when he came home. He wanted to talk rational about it, told me he would help me in any way, paying my car and helping me with furnishings when I leave. In turn, I couldnt talk to her or her husband. OR he wasnt paying. I kept that promise because I need my car paid, I had an agreement written for us to sign because he suggested it be done, more or less hush money. NOW he won’t sign the paper. I inserted a clause stating I will not contact the persons involved – like he asked. But that isn’t good enough, he wants to also say that if ANYONE sontacts her- he isn’t paying. I stated in the paperwork that I am only accountable for my actions, no one elses. And he laughed at me.
    I have been with this man for 7 years, not married, taking care of him, his house and things that come up on a day to day basis. I am surely entitled to something. I am trying to make it on my own with two college age children that I soley out through school. When I moved with him, it was to help with that situation and to give my kids what they needed. Now, I am at a loss as to what to do, if he don’t sign the paper stating what he verbally agreed to do for me.
    Thanks
    Susan in Pennsylvania

  • http://www.lawinfo.com Lindsey

    Hi Susan. I’m so sorry to hear you are going through all of this as I can certainlly imagine how frustrating it all must be. I suggest you contact an attorney to determine what legal options may be available to you. For instance, if the two of you purchased any items together, then you may be entiled to some of it. Also, there may be other agreements the two of you have made which may be enforceable. You won’t know whether or not you have any legal rights unless you speak to an attorney. These kinds of things are highly fact specific, so the attorney will probably have some additional questions for you. Many family law lawyers do give free initial consultations. You can find an attorney through the directory at http://www.lawinfo.com.

    Good luck!

  • MyLife

    To discover that my husband was cheating on me with a number of different women for 20 years out of the 30 years we have been married, is about the worst thing I am forced to deal with. About a year ago his latest”side dish to life” wrote me an e-mail telling me all about their affair. Since then, my husband and I have worked very hard to patch up all that went wrong between us but this woman will not go away. Throughout this past year she continued to write to me, to my husband, calling him non stop and is continuing to do so to this day. We tried to stop her to no avail, she is relentless. At this point I am looking for a legal arm or advise how to deal with this person who knows no boundaries.

  • http://www.lawinfo.com Lindsey

    Oh my goodness, I am so sorry to hear about this frustrating situation for you! I definitely suggest you speak to an attorney regarding what legal options you may have. Sometimes a restraining order or no-contact order may be obtained to protect you from harassment. Whether this kind of thing is available in your situation will depend on additional facts which you should discuss with your lawyer. There may be other options as well. Good luck with everything!
    Find a lawyer at http://www.lawinfo.com.

  • Jason

    I believe you should be able to sue them. To bad we don’t hang people for adultry anymore.

  • tracy

    Hmm what if the other woman admits it in writing and there are young children involved? My ex had an affair, and now she is shocked he cheated on her ( with me, I look at it as revenge on her). anyway she knew he was married with young children, so why shouldn’t I be allowed to getg what I can??? she got money and time that was mine and my childrens

  • BJ

    There are limits. And anyone who is married is off-limits. Don’t tempt fate. If you know the other person is married, then focus on some other guy who is actually available. People don’t just “fall in love” – first, they lust. Walk away from the temptation and it would never get to the point that you become “the other woman”. Only exception, is if “the other woman” never knew about the wife in the first place.

    If the “other woman” knows he’s married, and she still pursues him, as the wife -take her to the cleaners. Trifling men and women should be held accountable – one way or another.

  • Hurt

    My ex-husband and I met in high school. We have 3 sons ages 23, 17, and 12. 1 grand-daughter, 1 expected in Jan. on his birthday. We were married for 11yrs. 5mths. We seperated due to him admitting to having what he called an almost affair with his married professor for 5 mths. In an effort to reconcile, and keep our family together we sought counseling. During this time he began to chase a neighbor (according to her) by leaving notes on her car. She knew he was married. She knew each and everytime my children and I were there, she saw us leave. Yet she accepted his advances and invitations to lunch, dinner, drinks ,etc.. She talked about how she’d moved here (to Georgia from Florida) and was in pursuit of finding that special female to make a life with, after going through 2 divorces herself, but decided to give him a try for the sake of 1 last time with a man. She boasted to me about their 3yr. relationship, and how she demanded he get a divorce to be with her. He met her demands. He bought a new home with money I provided for the down payment months before I actually knew he wanted a divorce, which was all a part of our new plans for our future after reconcilliation. He’s moved her in and boasts about her knowing me from his complex, and being with her for a while. Sept. 1, 2009 marks the day he and I were apart 3 yrs. This hurtful info. was given to me in July. He doesnt have a good relationship with his sons because theyre not too happy with dear old dad. I m am seeking counseling just to deal with my hurt, and to help my children with their pain from the situation. And the list goes on. Is there an attorney out there that could be of help to me in the metro Atlanta, Ga. area? Please contact me. zinnmcm@aol.com

  • http://www.lawinfo.com Lindsey

    Dear Hurt… I am so sorry for your pain and can understand how difficult this must all be for you and your family! Glad you’re in counseling for the emotional and psychological part of it. If you speak to a lawyer, you can certainly empower yourself by learning about your legal rights. Property acquired during marriage is typically considered to be marital property, subject either to equal or “equitable” distribution between the spouses, unless one or the other spouse can show that it should be considered their separate property. Not sure how those principles affect the situation with the house you mentioned. You’d need to discuss the details with your lawyer. You can find a divorce or family law lawyer in your area at http://www.lawinfo.com. Just search by practice area and your area code or city. You can also take a look at the info on divorce and your rights by clicking here: Divorce, Helpful Articles on Divorce and Property Division. Good luck!

  • wife and mother

    I think if the “other” person knowingly enters an affair and benefits from it, they should be held accountable. In my case, the one of many “others” had gone on many trips and gained from my husband spending money on her. One time they went away and she pretended to be me and used my name! Now my husband claims no money and I am having a hard time getting him to pay the child support he is required to. I believe the “other” should pay monetarily for the money she took away from our family…..hotel rooms, plane tickets, dinner, etc.

  • tracy

    I think so, the other person takes time, money, attention and love from a spouse and often children…so if the other person knowingly has a affair with a married person, they should have to make restitution…just like if you help a criminal cover up a crime , you can be held accountable.

  • Tena

    What if the cheater is dating multiple women who all think they are the only one and he is a deputy sheriff?

  • heles

    I totally agree. I had the exact same experience as innocent and hurting. My children are seeing their guidance councillor at school cos they are reacting to my sadness. I haven’t recovered yet and I have even resorted to seeing a therapist as I think I am headed towards a breakdown myself.
    In my case the woman also knew she was getting involved with a married man. My husband says he told her but then again can I believe anything he says? I am now looking for her and when I find her I will verify everything he has been saying. Once I know the truth, I will act accordingly. But like innocent and hurting, my children are suffering from both their actions. I refuse to allow her to live her sorry little life without any ramifications.

  • shufflinalong

    Wow, thats a horrible thing to think about yourself!! Not everyone is a therapist or are clear and certain on the “rules of engagement” when it comes to adultery or affairs of the heart. I was in a loving marriage with my husband who is employed by the FBI, and he has been involved with MANY illegal activities behind EVERYONE’s back simply because I was a loving and trusting Wife. Don’t think his behavior was “job related”, as his position just sounds more fluffy than it actually is. I had confronted him for years, and he would constantly blame the change of behavior or lack of affections on his gaining of weight, his job that kept him “amazingly busy”, or whatever else he thought sounded good for those moments. Thank goodness circumstances revealed his true self to me earlier last year, because I was going to get pregnant with our second child then. You should never blame yourself for trusting the person you married as being honest. Now, if this person showed poor judgment, and was dishonest in the past, then you would know and take different actions to ensure your own well-being. The bottom line, Hes done things that would make Tiger Woods blush, and was trained in the way of manipulation and deception, but even if the person you were with wasn’t, it doesn’t make you less intelligent for simply trusting them. As for holding the “OTHER” responsible I give a resounding YES when the person is involved in affairs with a married individual. To add to that, I think they should be required to be tested for all sexually transmitted diseases for helping to ease the mind of the Wife/Husband who was cheated on. For me however, most of the girls were overseas. There are a few in the US, and if this law is passed, I’m sure some men/women would at least think a little harder about what they are getting themselves in to. If the OTHER is held accountable and had to share their stories in the hours in takes to litigate a divorce that is made public record, they might at least stop to be sure its worth it first. Most of the times the OTHER is attached to another who is possibly attached to yet another, and this twisted web can go on and on without the legally married person being non-the-wiser until they end up with some awful disease that hopefully there is a cure for. I had some girls making a mockery of me in his mini-harem as he invited them to attend my birthday party(only one of MANY insane instances of his power-drunk behavior). He was having me think they are just friends of people he works with, all the while these girls were sleeping in my bed, giving me back yeast infections every time I slept with my husband(never had any unless I took antibiotics outside of having sex with him), and giving me flowers and gifts with my own money as if to say thank you for letting me sleep with your husband and fulfilling some of their own curiosities about me and their own guilt trips. Really, I wish I could sue each and every one of them, though not for money, but to just have their faces/names plastered publicly for what they knowingly did would be a GREAT SELFISH, YET SATISFYING VICTORY ;-)

  • shufflinalong

    Ok, that statement made no sense to me. Please explain why the woman that fell in love with him and became his Wife while he was obviously not married should be sued? I’m still scratching my head =/

  • shufflinalong

    I feel sad for your hurt, however, if there was laws that held the OTHER accountable, they would be able to prove they were mislead, and the married cheater in one of these cases would also be able to prove the OTHER did or did not know he/she was married as well. If the OTHER knew or not would be easily proven, and determine the type of “punishment” if any for the OTHER person.

  • shufflinalong

    Hi Tena,
    Hire a private investigator to locate all the women and evidence you need to help your own case if you are unable to do so, there are many ways to do this yourself. If your unsure of what evidences you need for your case, ask the attorney who will assist you in your divorce. He is obviously proving that he should not be in his position even if only for the fact of him numerously breaking the code of conduct or morality. He is in a position of protect and serve, not lie and lay pipe with every damsel in distress. My soon to be ex is with the FBI, and puts people in prison for the things he has done during his affairs with well over 20 women add to that prostitutes if that says anything. Just because a person is in a position of respect and morality, doesn’t mean they behave in said manner, and should no longer be allowed to have that professional title in front of their names.

  • Tasha Roberts

    am i’m right

  • Alcala

    My wife cheated on me with my friend whish happens to be my Pastor for 18 yrs ,they kept this relation for about 5 to 6 yrs I forgave my wife but I cant forgive that manI dont know what to due! I have 2 children and I need to know if I get divorse can I keep my Children? I’m from California

  • Elle

    Absolutely, both cheating spouse and the “other” man/woman should be held responsible.
    I think people would then think twice about entering into an affair if there was a chance they would be sued for the damage their actions caused. The “no fault” law, makes it is just as easy to get out of a marriage as it is to get into one. With the “if it feels good do it” mentality, which is fast becoming the norm, perhaps wedding vows should be… “to love, honour and cherish until someone better comes along”! Then again, it maybe better to scrap marriage all together.

  • Sophie

    “Yes – the “other” person should be held accountable for their actions. This would include emotional involvement leading to a break up. They should not even be entertaining an attached person. ”

    Marriage is a law, the one who broke the marriage broke the law of marriage and family, therefore, he or she should be held accountable for it.

    My husband has affair with Peaches, and I spoke to her on the phone and told her to back off. She said that she had a relationship with him since 2002 and break up in March 2006.

    Peaches knew who I am when I called her. She knew that she is having affair with a married man. When we moved here from California, Peache called the motel that used to stay temporary while I was looking for a house. She stated that her name is Peaches, and the reason she called is to tell me that she is the one that she has been sleeping with my husband when I wasn’t here. She said, that was very hurt because she thought that she is having a relationship with him and came to her surprise that my husband called her and told her, that they can’t see each other because his wife and the kids are moving from California to work things out. She was mad and that is why she called me to tell me all about what she is going between her and my husband. I told her I’m sorry you’re hurt, but that is what happen when you sleep around with married man.

    She didn’t stop there, I followed my husband down and found his secret party place. She didn’t stop then. She continued to invite my husband to her appartment.

    My point i wanted to make here, yes, that we should have the third party be resposible as well especially in my case she knew that she is messing around with a married man and not only that I’ve spoke to her. Only an idiot think that she is having a relationship with a married man…lol!

    The goverment and the court need to look at this issue that if we enforced this and create that law, there will more marriage will be save.

    Here is why I think that we should have a law that allow us to sue our spouse and the third party be responsible:

    1. More marriage people will be doing counselling to save their marriage and save them time and money.

    2. When marriage are broken and one spouse end up with the kids and if she or he doesn’t have a job, this part of the family will turn to wealfare. Now, if the third party has a good job and the wife or husband doesn’t and they have to start from zero or nothing the third party should be part of it and so as the cheating spouse.

    3. Less disease will spread.

  • Lifetime Love

    How can a woman blame another woman when she hasn’t had sex with her husband for almost 2 years and he is sleeping in a separate bedroom on another floor of the house???? This all before he went back in time 21 years to find the love of his life. How is that the other woman’s fault? He wanted a relationship, not an affair. If he just wanted an affair, he could have had that with anyone. You don’t go back in time to someone you have known and had unspoken love for 35 years for unless you want something real and want what you have always wanted to have; unless you are ready to finally have what you have been lacking. He looked for and found her, he told her he has always loved her, he says he cannot wait to make everything right and marry her. How is that HER fault? How can the wife blame him even? My mother has always told me, “If a man isn’t getting what he needs at home, eventually he will find it somewhere else.” She has neglected her job as a wife of , not only sex, but respect, support, affection, encouragement, etc. She is the one who neglected her husband. He is the one who went looking for her and had been looking for her for 5 years. How is any of that her fault. How did the girlfriend break what was broken long before she re-entered the picture? She is the one who withheld attention, affection, and sex from her husband. That is neglect.

    The husband and girlfriend have loved each other for a very long time. The only reason they haven’t been together all along is because she was only 16 and was too young and they were too scared to voice their feelings. She never thought he would see her that way and he didn’t think it would be fair to tell her then leave (he was in the military and would be gone for long periods of time.) 21 years later, he felt he had to tell her whatever the circumstances of their lives. She has questioned everything, but what it comes down to is that they do love each other and always have.

    His wife knows they are seeing each other and knows that they are deeply in love, but doesn’t care as long as they stay married. He has left before, but she threatened with taking the kids away. That’s all that matters to her … her status. She cares now that he has told her that he wants a divorce, is leaving, and has started the paperwork. When you manipulate to stay in a relationship with someone you know is not in love with you, where is your responsibility? How can you blame someone else when you know it’s over, but are willing to settle? She doesn’t care about the marriage, she cares about the status and image that comes with being married to him.

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