By: LINDSEY O’NEILL, ESQ
If a husband has an affair with another woman, should the wife be able to sue the other woman for emotional damages? What if the couple isn’t married….. should the girlfriend of a cheating boyfriend be able to sue the other woman for the adultery? Or vice versa – should a man be able to bring a lawsuit against an affair-partner? Should any injured partner in a relationship be able to sue the pants off someone who snuggled up to their honey? (Well, technically, their pants were already off, but anyhow…..) Now, my question here is limited specifically to the situation in which the couple appears to be happy – he tells his girlfriend how much he loves her, they have all kind of fun with their friends, everything appears to be great…… but he’s secretly having an affair, intentionally lying to his girlfriend…. and the other woman agrees to carry on the affair under wraps.
Put it this way, the betrayed party has many choices for dealing with their partner when an infidelity is discovered - divorce, break up, stay together, throw things at him…. you know. The point is, there is some level of accountability for the betrayer – he loses his wife or girlfriend, may have to pay spousal support in divorce, will likely bear the wrath of family and friends, etc. Even if a he begs her for forgiveness and gets lucky enough to get a second chance, he’ll have to go through the arduous process of earning back her trust, which usually includes a loss of certain freedoms previously enjoyed, etc. What about the affair-partner? There is that age-old argument…. “Well, its not HER fault…. the husband is the one who chose to break his marriage vows…. the affair-partner didn’t make any vows to the wife, why should SHE be held responsible.” Well, why shouldn’t she bear some responsibility? She’s equally at fault! SO WHAT if she didn’t make any commitments to the wife or girlfriend. Does that make it right for her to go after someone else’s husband or boyfriend? Does that make it right that she should participate in the lie, the deceit, the fraud? Does that make it OK to intentionally harm and cause emotional injury to the innocent wife or girlfriend? Even if the doggish man pursued her…. she still knowingly entered into the affair.
Here’s the thing – we’ve decided as a society that certain behaviors are not OK. As a result, we’ve decided that there are certain standards by which people are obligated to act. We expect people to act according to “that degree of care that an ordinarily prudent person can be reasonably expected to exercise under similar circumstance.” If someone acts “unreasonably” in those situations, then they can be sued for the harm caused to a third person as a result. For instance:
If you are injured by a driver who failed to exercise reasonable care when driving on the freeway, you can sue them because all drivers have a duty to act reasonably to prevent harm to other drivers. Doctors are supposed to perform their duties as any other reasonable doctor would in a similar situation, or else face liability for medical malpractice. Store owners must put up a sign when a floor is wet, because society considers that to be the reasonable way to act to prevent someone from slipping and falling. Homeowners must warn guests in their home of any sort of danger that may be posed by an ongoing remodeling job of the kitchen. If someone punches you, you can sue them for injuries for intentionally hurting you! You can even sue someone for intentionally harming you emotionally and psychologically. If someone tells a bunch of lies about you, you can sue them for defamation and damaging your reputation. You can sue the manufacture of a toy for failing to adhere to certain standards to make the toy safe to play with. You can even sue someone for interfering with a potential business relationship - for convincing someone to breach a contract with someone else. ….. but in most states you can’t sue an affair-partner for interfering with the most important relationship of your life? Or for helping them to break their commitments or vows to their wife/girlfriend or husband/boyfriend? Isn’t it reasonable to expect that other people won’t have a secret affair with your spouse? [Note: A handful of states do allow a wife to sue the mistres…. these states have what is called “alienation of affection” laws that allow a spouse to sue the person who ‘seduced’ the spouse and ‘alienated’ the spouse away from his/her husband or wife. However, the lawsuits are fairly uncommon, in part, because its difficult to actually collect any real damages from the affair-partner.)
Now, alright, I know I’m simply discussing general legal principles here and applying them to the circumstance of the “other woman” or “other man.” But…. it just seems right to me that people should be held accountable for the harm they cause to others – especially harm to the things most of us consider to be the most valuable, fundamental relationships in our lives. So sound off people…. What do you think? Should we hold those good-for-nothing, deceitful, behind-the-back, home wrecking, boyfriend-stealing, girlfriend-wielding, petty, pantiless, pathetic people responsible?? Or should they get off Scot-free? All we’d be doing is holding them accountable, along with the cheater, for failing to act the way we expect anybody else to act, the way we expect any ordinary person, any reasonable person, to act. And, hey, if the affair-partner were required to pay damages to the innocent spouse for the injuries she caused, then perhpas there would be a deterrent effect and less cheating would result all around. Just a thought….
Let me know what you think! Looking forward to your comments …. Just scrowl down and have YOUR say!
UPDATE: March 2010: In North Carolina, a wife wins a $9M lawsuit against her husband’s mistress for “alienation of affection.” Here you can read the abcnews.com article.
Should you be able to sue the affair partner?
Ummmm . . . in North Carolina you CAN do this. We actually have two causes of action: alienation of affection and criminal conversation.
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It’s a pretty good point. Personally I wouldn’t sue if I was cheated on unless circumstances like these were present and then I would consider it:
It impacted me financially-business relationship
It impacted me physically-STD, etc.
But being lied to, fooled, or betrayed…I guess I hold my self responsible in that case. Not that I did anything wrong, but clearly something is missing for me that I chose to be with and failed to recognize (or address) issues of integrity and intimacy.
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shufflinalong Reply:
January 13th, 2010 at 9:45 pm
Wow, thats a horrible thing to think about yourself!! Not everyone is a therapist or are clear and certain on the “rules of engagement” when it comes to adultery or affairs of the heart. I was in a loving marriage with my husband who is employed by the FBI, and he has been involved with MANY illegal activities behind EVERYONE’s back simply because I was a loving and trusting Wife. Don’t think his behavior was “job related”, as his position just sounds more fluffy than it actually is. I had confronted him for years, and he would constantly blame the change of behavior or lack of affections on his gaining of weight, his job that kept him “amazingly busy”, or whatever else he thought sounded good for those moments. Thank goodness circumstances revealed his true self to me earlier last year, because I was going to get pregnant with our second child then. You should never blame yourself for trusting the person you married as being honest. Now, if this person showed poor judgment, and was dishonest in the past, then you would know and take different actions to ensure your own well-being. The bottom line, Hes done things that would make Tiger Woods blush, and was trained in the way of manipulation and deception, but even if the person you were with wasn’t, it doesn’t make you less intelligent for simply trusting them. As for holding the “OTHER” responsible I give a resounding YES when the person is involved in affairs with a married individual. To add to that, I think they should be required to be tested for all sexually transmitted diseases for helping to ease the mind of the Wife/Husband who was cheated on. For me however, most of the girls were overseas. There are a few in the US, and if this law is passed, I’m sure some men/women would at least think a little harder about what they are getting themselves in to. If the OTHER is held accountable and had to share their stories in the hours in takes to litigate a divorce that is made public record, they might at least stop to be sure its worth it first. Most of the times the OTHER is attached to another who is possibly attached to yet another, and this twisted web can go on and on without the legally married person being non-the-wiser until they end up with some awful disease that hopefully there is a cure for. I had some girls making a mockery of me in his mini-harem as he invited them to attend my birthday party(only one of MANY insane instances of his power-drunk behavior). He was having me think they are just friends of people he works with, all the while these girls were sleeping in my bed, giving me back yeast infections every time I slept with my husband(never had any unless I took antibiotics outside of having sex with him), and giving me flowers and gifts with my own money as if to say thank you for letting me sleep with your husband and fulfilling some of their own curiosities about me and their own guilt trips. Really, I wish I could sue each and every one of them, though not for money, but to just have their faces/names plastered publicly for what they knowingly did would be a GREAT SELFISH, YET SATISFYING VICTORY
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Sounds utterly facist…the law has no buisness interfering w/ people’s love lives. If you want that kind of drama watch divorce court.
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While I am not in favor of more suing for the sake of the “sue-happys” looking for another way to extort money or hand-outs…I feel this digs way too deep into affecting the primary relationship in our lives.
Absolutely… both parties should be held accountable for their actions and wrong-doings! Either the other woman or the other man should be held accountable for the emotional, mental, physical, and/ or financial damages that they inflict upon not only the wife/girlfriend or husband/boyfriend but upon the family as well. The affair does not only leave its sludge and taint the relationship between the wife and husband/ girlfriend and boyfriend but it bitters all those involved with the couple…family and friends on some level….so they should at least be held accountable to the ones directly affected. Go get them!
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gilbert sierra Reply:
April 14th, 2010 at 4:26 pm
Hi, am a victim of betrayal.due to the affects of this happening to me,at the time it caused my state of mind in a disbelief.I tried talking to her parents at the time i found out first from another friend.attemps failled and i was looked at as the bad guy.and also attempted to accept her and forgive her .my wife said lets take it day by day so she can think and i agreed to her space.until she was seen by me ,she had another boyfriend an she knew i was hurting inside and keep on doing mixed feelings to me. so u see today am for sueing her,am in a program battered abuse an am paying alot of money.she should be accountable for my program fees an think she should pay me spousal support due to me not functioning on my current career which my state license been revoked.just to let her know how it feels since am her sixth baby daddy within 7 years so maybe the next man it wont happen to.and she has all child support cases on us.something should be done.
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Well, since I am a victim of betrayal, I say yes because I AM injured and for 4 years this “other person” knew exactly what they were doing. Now everyone will think how could she not see the signs but strangely enough my husbands way of cheating was not the norm, at least not to me. There was no perfume, nights away unexplained, he would leave the house as early as 6am on a Saturday saying that he was going hiking and return back back around 11am to 12 noon. Now he is a hiker and it wasn’t every Sat. but the only thing that could have tipped me off was the phone no. on his cell, which he explained that “Mac” was a contractor and of course the phone calls were at the oddest times. Not like others whose calls were late at night and of course she never called the home ph. no. She left a text message though, on Christmas eve with some corny little message like “even though we are apart…you are always in my heart.” That’s how I found out and I NEVER check his phone but it was blinking and I thought the battery was low so I went to plug it in and voila! The rest is history. Christmas will never be the same.
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I just did something similar to a girl Jenny who tried to help me-i am getting back at my ex and it feels good
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Well here in Texas I don’t believe that anyone wants to go after our wifes or husbands lover. We believe its our wifes and husbands fault, they are the sinners. In Texas they do pay, for adultery they loose almost everything. Custody of children, house, vehicles and cash. Just notify your divorce judge and show them a video where the sin is being committed and walla your husband or wife is finished. But on the lover I guess you can always sue for harassment
and emotional distress caused by this pursuing harrassment.
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you’ve got to be kidding. I take it the author had a terrible experience herself. It will never hold up in court. On top of that, you’ll be potentially liable for atty fees and costs for filing the frivolous suit. Who said the “other person” even knew your spouse was married. How are you going to prove that? You can’t tape record a phone conversation…federal offense and a state one in most states. Nope, your only recourse is to dump the jerk and get a good div. attorney. Chances are the spouse will come running home unless you had a crappy marriage to begin with which brings us back to the main defense..which will be.. “you never paid attention to me.” How are you going to prove or disprove that? Nope…the courts need to stay well clear of this mess. Leave people’s private lives and their marriages alone unless seeking a divorce. The courts’ dockets are already backlogged with serious civil and criminal cases, we don’t need to pile this crap upon them as well.
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tracy Reply:
August 9th, 2009 at 6:23 pm
Hmm what if the other woman admits it in writing and there are young children involved? My ex had an affair, and now she is shocked he cheated on her ( with me, I look at it as revenge on her). anyway she knew he was married with young children, so why shouldn’t I be allowed to getg what I can??? she got money and time that was mine and my childrens
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wife and mother Reply:
September 16th, 2009 at 10:54 am
I think if the “other” person knowingly enters an affair and benefits from it, they should be held accountable. In my case, the one of many “others” had gone on many trips and gained from my husband spending money on her. One time they went away and she pretended to be me and used my name! Now my husband claims no money and I am having a hard time getting him to pay the child support he is required to. I believe the “other” should pay monetarily for the money she took away from our family…..hotel rooms, plane tickets, dinner, etc.
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they should be drained dry and hung out to dry they should go to jail or at least be beat till they think they are going to die or wished that they would die. choke them, beat them, let them know you have been there.
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charlene Reply:
August 2nd, 2008 at 8:43 am
thank you!!!!!!
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In California, we’re a “no fault” state…anything goes here. It’s horrible. There’s no sanctity for the marriage vow. It’s too easy to get married, too easy to get out. What’s the point? I believe in God, I believe in my vow. My husband and his girlfriend have chosen to turn their back on both, justifying their actions through that glorious catch-all: we were “just friends”…of course they were! That’s how MOST affairs begin! “Just friends” who send out feelers and cross a forbidden line, feeling deliciously exciting and leaving untold destruction in their wake. His girlfriend has dumped a surgeon husband and is ruining the lives of two young daughters, just for the sake of her selfish mid-life identity confusion. My husband is experiencing his own mid-life family-of-origin issue, and this was his way to avoid the pain…drown it in the euphoria of an affair. Seventeen years of a mostly good life with my best friend…down the drain. My entire adult life of memories, entwined with this man, and he acts like we never even happened. I’m better looking, smarter, kinder, funnier, and definitely less controlling than this woman…he’s not in it to trade up. He’s running from himself, and she was encouraging him wholeheartedly. He needs professional help; our therapist says so. She is a mixed-up woman, and she just thinks ours is a marriage problem. It isn’t. She is egging him on to get out of the marriage, and he’s too foggy to even see her manipulation. In a year or so, he’s going to come out of the fog and realize he’s decimated his nest egg, decimated his sweet little life, and wonder what the hell he’s done. If she were not in the way, he could heal SO much faster (with or without ME in his life.)
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How about this. What if you found out your wife was having an affair? What if you had reason to believe that one or both of your children may not be yours? What if I told you in Massachusetts, the caselaw holds up and the judge will not allow for paternity testing? What if you had to agree to pay alimony in lieu of child support for six years at the same rate you would have paid child support, reviewed annually to get the paternity test complete? What if you found out the two children were proven NOT to be your children, and that there was a 99.9% chance that they have DIFFERENT fathers? And what if I told you that I may not be able to get out of that rediculous agreement, while she is still in a relationship with the father of the second child? What if I told you I was MARRIED to this woman for 12 Years?!?
What if I told you she was having affairs with TWO men at the same time over the last two years of this marrige (term marrige used loosely).
What if I told you it was all TRUE!
So, in closing, I have been mislead, humilated and had, by a woman who was having one affair on and off for 7+ years, and another for the last 2, and was led to believe that these children were mine. Have paid to raise 3 other peoples children, have had to pay child support over the last 5 months for two children that aren’t mine. And now, she will most likely be living with the father of the second child, while I am paying this rediculous human being for six years……..WOW! You don’t think I should attempt to sue not only my soon to be ex-wife, but the other two unscrupulous individuals as well? I would submit to you that is well justified & should be allowed. Thanks Massachusetts! Lets let not hold the people responsible for this rediculous set of circumstances accountable, no we’d rather continue to pennalize the innocent and by the way FAITHFUL person who has to deal with this BS for the rest of his days on this planet.
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is this true in texas if i have damaging evidence of the affair can i take all. even when my house is payed for and both are names are on it,i can prove my father payed for every penny.can i get her name off the deed for the affair.she never signed in documents.im ready to hang it in her ass for what she did im just curious if this is possible
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My husband had an affair with a woman who knew that we were married. I asked my husband to stop the affair and the other woman as well. The affair was over rather quickly but it resulted in the birth of a child. I decided to seperate from my husband and we eventually reconciled. I don’t blame the baby because he is innocent. In fact, I treat him as one of my own during visitation. However, the “other woman” has continued to disrupt my childrens life and my own. My husband and “the other woman” are both at fault. My husband was wrong and he has done everything possible to put our marriage back together and help our children heal. The “other woman” continues to disrupt our life. My children and I are innocent and we should not have to continue suffering and being harrassed by her. I want to sue her because it has taken a toll on me and my children. I had an emotional break down and can’t function on a normal level. I don’t want to sue “the other woman” for money, she has none. However, I want her to be accountable for her actions as my husband was. She need’s to be accountable for her continued harrassment. Simply bringing her into court and being able to tell her how she has shattered innocent lives would be enough. I hope to find an attorney who will help me and my children.
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heles Reply:
December 19th, 2009 at 2:39 pm
I totally agree. I had the exact same experience as innocent and hurting. My children are seeing their guidance councillor at school cos they are reacting to my sadness. I haven’t recovered yet and I have even resorted to seeing a therapist as I think I am headed towards a breakdown myself.
In my case the woman also knew she was getting involved with a married man. My husband says he told her but then again can I believe anything he says? I am now looking for her and when I find her I will verify everything he has been saying. Once I know the truth, I will act accordingly. But like innocent and hurting, my children are suffering from both their actions. I refuse to allow her to live her sorry little life without any ramifications.
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I have a story that should be on television. (Lifetime). I wish I could write a book as I do believe it will be a best seller.
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Absolutely should. so it won’t be so easy to just turn lives upside down and cause innocent people grief and sorrow for a long time if not a lifetime. If there are potential penalties, people would think before they acted on a whim !!
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Gimme a break! How many wives see to it that their husbands needs are being met? Are they keeping up their end of the marriage contract, or just collecting a paycheck and the bennies of marriage and letting some other poor fool do all the work for free? How can you not know that your spouse is cheating on some level. Quit being the victim of your own neglectful behavior.
Men don’t wander if they have a good reason to stay.
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charlene Reply:
August 2nd, 2008 at 8:39 am
then maybe they should be a real man and leave her instead of cheating like a scumbag. The problem is there not men enough to leave, because when the other woman decides she dosent want him anymore he wants to be able to run back to the woman who takes care of him in the firtst place. If you dont have a good reason to stay get out of there and let some other woman do your laundry and cool your dinner. You truley sound like an idiot.
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lainy Reply:
August 15th, 2010 at 10:52 am
I like your answer – so true – they want to have their cake and eat it too. They should be a man and stand on their own two feet and if they dont want to be married anymore – then go move on your own and that is all there is to it.
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Janie Reply:
January 2nd, 2009 at 6:29 pm
You need to read some statistics on affairs. Believe me, a husband can have an affair on their LUNCH HOURS while the betrayed is at work in an adjoining city. None of the friends/co-workers of the other woman are going to tell the wife. I never ever thought my honest, very nice , very moral husband would ever be having an affair…but he was. As the other woman co-worker was going through a divorce she would unload her story on my husband. She’s known us as a married couple for 20 years. That didn’t stop her from the “I’ve been so mistreated” stories which my husband believed. She knew exactly what she was doing because my husband was such a “good” guy and her’s hadn’t been. When he finally told me, he ended it completely and we’ve been in counseling for a year and a half. He has done everything from calling from our home phone when I’m at work while on his lunch hour to giving me his passwords to his work email. She has had no repercussions. So yes, I would love to sue her for lose of affection and emotional stress and trauma. It is exactly like a death in the family.
An intentional assault, if you will…
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Lifetime Love Reply:
March 23rd, 2010 at 5:29 pm
How can a woman blame another woman when she hasn’t had sex with her husband for almost 2 years and he is sleeping in a separate bedroom on another floor of the house???? This all before he went back in time 21 years to find the love of his life. How is that the other woman’s fault? He wanted a relationship, not an affair. If he just wanted an affair, he could have had that with anyone. You don’t go back in time to someone you have known and had unspoken love for 35 years for unless you want something real and want what you have always wanted to have; unless you are ready to finally have what you have been lacking. He looked for and found her, he told her he has always loved her, he says he cannot wait to make everything right and marry her. How is that HER fault? How can the wife blame him even? My mother has always told me, “If a man isn’t getting what he needs at home, eventually he will find it somewhere else.” She has neglected her job as a wife of , not only sex, but respect, support, affection, encouragement, etc. She is the one who neglected her husband. He is the one who went looking for her and had been looking for her for 5 years. How is any of that her fault. How did the girlfriend break what was broken long before she re-entered the picture? She is the one who withheld attention, affection, and sex from her husband. That is neglect.
The husband and girlfriend have loved each other for a very long time. The only reason they haven’t been together all along is because she was only 16 and was too young and they were too scared to voice their feelings. She never thought he would see her that way and he didn’t think it would be fair to tell her then leave (he was in the military and would be gone for long periods of time.) 21 years later, he felt he had to tell her whatever the circumstances of their lives. She has questioned everything, but what it comes down to is that they do love each other and always have.
His wife knows they are seeing each other and knows that they are deeply in love, but doesn’t care as long as they stay married. He has left before, but she threatened with taking the kids away. That’s all that matters to her … her status. She cares now that he has told her that he wants a divorce, is leaving, and has started the paperwork. When you manipulate to stay in a relationship with someone you know is not in love with you, where is your responsibility? How can you blame someone else when you know it’s over, but are willing to settle? She doesn’t care about the marriage, she cares about the status and image that comes with being married to him.
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The other woman has always called screaming at me. My husband never protected me from these calls. The affair is still going on and off. My husband cannot make up his mind. I have become mean because of this and if I could take the other woman to court for years of mental torture, I would feel comfortable doing so. Then I would deal with my husband.
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charlene Reply:
August 2nd, 2008 at 8:32 am
My sister has been married to a cop for 16 years and they have a very sweet 13 yr old son who found proof of the affair on his dads cell phone that they already suspected and downloaded it on to his computer and gave my sister a copy for her attorney. But your big mistake is you are waiting for HIM to make up his mind? Make it up for him take his retirement and spousal support, what truley keeps a man with his wife is his wallet. needless to say my oustanding citizen of a cop brother in law will now have an empty pocket and the other woman he’s been spending their money on will dump him and he will be alone. My nephew will have nothing to do with his father and that alone will haunt him for the rest of his life. what ever happened to divorceing someone you dont want? He has made a fool out of you and your letting him get away with it.
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This is sort of off topic but hopefully you can help. Here’s the scenario.
A stranger (possibly her friend, boyfriend, ex-boyfriend, internet friend, etc.) emailed to this man and said, “I think you and I are being played”. Basically, the story is about triangle love and this stranger has doubt to the woman he loves. Now, the recipient doesn’t know who this stranger at all. What can he do? Can he sue for harrassment and emotional distress?
Thanks,
Max
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I also agree with the above people. My Husband has been having an affair with a girl i work with (probably for the last 2 years). She was a friend and spent many holidays and parties with us. My children are devastated and the worst thing is i work with her everyday in the same room. I work in the legal system, so is there no recourse I can take even on a Civil level. You would think there would be something that could be done. 17 years gone because of a woman that all she dates is married men. How sad for all the other women out there.
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You said, “Should we hold those good-for-nothing, deceitful, behind-the-back, home wrecking, boyfriend-stealing, girlfriend-wielding, petty, pantiless, pathetic people responsible??” You assume that the “other person” who fell in love with your spouse did it out of a burning desire to be just plain evil. My research has uncovered that a great many of those “other persons” and “cheating spouses” held themselves to a high moral code and unwittingly fell into the “chemistry trap” of what they call “love.” So, unless the “cheating spouse” is a cake-eater, you suggest suing people for falling in love. That would mean you should also be sued for daring to fall in love with your spouse. Why not sue the “cheating spouse” twice (once for falling in love with his spouse and once for falling in love with the “other person?” Now that seems equitable and non-judgmental…just sayin’…
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BJ Reply:
August 12th, 2009 at 10:12 pm
There are limits. And anyone who is married is off-limits. Don’t tempt fate. If you know the other person is married, then focus on some other guy who is actually available. People don’t just “fall in love” – first, they lust. Walk away from the temptation and it would never get to the point that you become “the other woman”. Only exception, is if “the other woman” never knew about the wife in the first place.
If the “other woman” knows he’s married, and she still pursues him, as the wife -take her to the cleaners. Trifling men and women should be held accountable – one way or another.
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shufflinalong Reply:
January 13th, 2010 at 10:05 pm
Ok, that statement made no sense to me. Please explain why the woman that fell in love with him and became his Wife while he was obviously not married should be sued? I’m still scratching my head =/
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How about my husband left me and our son for my best friends 23 year old daughter (hes 43) that we have known since the age of 9. My son was best friends with her brother. I treated her like a daughter. I would love to sue the pants off of her. She is also to be held accountable for her actions which are disgusting.
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I think the other person should be sued for interfering in the emotional distress that can happened to the children. They should be accountable for destroying a marriage. This should send a message that you do not covet another man’s or wife’s spouse and think you do not have consequences for your actions. When you go after another person’s spouse you know you are destroying the family children and the financial distress that comes along with a divorce and counseling for the children. the spouse that is cheated on is due some kind of restitution for emotional distress. Maybe this would send a message to other people is this worth it to hurt children or cause undo mental hardship to a family. the only think is there a lawyer strong or moral enough to tackle a case like to this to bring justice to the hurt victim. A good strong lawyer would take a case like this and set a presidence that there is consequences for your actions. if a marriage is damage it should be worked out between the husband and wife with out outside interference especially if there are children are involved.
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Are you kidding?? Why do you assume the other person even knows the one she was dating is married??? Married men (& women too, I’m sure) lie about this all the time, claiming to be single, so that they can get the “other” to go out with them. Sometimes they cover their tracks so well, that it takes a couple years for the other person to discover there is a spouse. The other person has been cruelly manipulated into this relationship by the partner’s deceit, against his/her will, and often times wanted no part in a fling with a married person. This is completely and utterly devastating to the other person as well, who finds his/herself way too involved and often in love, planning a future with the believed single spouse, before findingout there is a marriage. He/she is left out in the cold completely, with sense of self destroyed, ability to trust destroyed, feeling robbed, and with absolutely no recourse. The cheater often plans a future with the other person, including marriage and children, to perpetuate the lie and maintain the trust. These relationships often result in pregnancy, with the cheater only showing their true colors upon finding out. Moreover, the other person must grieve privately, for fear of exposure, judgment and retribution. His or hers is a forbidden grief…he or she is not even allowed to feel heartbroken because of society’s need to villify and blame the “other person” who intruded on the marriage. In reality the other person NEVER asked for this, never wanted this, generally has to break off the relationship with the cheater his/herself because the cheater wants to keep both relationships at any cost, and absolutely does not care about the pain caused to the spouse or the other person. Please think about this before going after the other person who supposedly wrecked your perfect marriage. The cheater has the responsibility, not because the other person took no vows of allegiance, but because the cheater deliberately orchestrated and manipulated the whole affair for the sake of his/her own ego. Even if the other person “made a play” for the spouse, he/she can’t say no?? Please!!! If they had a little respect for their husbands or wifes, and if they gave a damn about anyone else’s wellbeing, the affair wouldn’t have happened. Also, don’t forget that if it wasn’t the other person, it would just be somebody else. Aw those poor, naive, unsuspecting husbands and wives–it doesn’t just happen by accident. People who cheat do so because they want to, and they feel entitled.
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Lindsey Reply:
June 3rd, 2009 at 10:50 am
Good points! If the cheating husband lies to the other woman about being married, and she participates in the relationship with him thinking he’s single, that is a bit of a different story. Though, I certainly understand how this happens in short-term affairs. But, come on, after a while (you mentioned years!) don’t you wonder why he can’t be with you at certain times, why he’s not available, why you’ve never been to his house (or if you have, why so infrequently), why you haven’t met his family… that kind of thing? In the law, there is a legal principle imposing liability in certain situations based on whether a person “knew, or should have known” better. In other words, you can’t be “willfully blind” in order to try to escape liability for wrongdoing.
Though, this particular blog discussed when the “other woman” actually knows she is dating a married man (or a man in an otherwise committed relationship)…. and participates willingly in the deceit.
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shufflinalong Reply:
January 13th, 2010 at 10:14 pm
I feel sad for your hurt, however, if there was laws that held the OTHER accountable, they would be able to prove they were mislead, and the married cheater in one of these cases would also be able to prove the OTHER did or did not know he/she was married as well. If the OTHER knew or not would be easily proven, and determine the type of “punishment” if any for the OTHER person.
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I have almost the same problem. Been living witht the guy 7 yrs – together 11.
Came home one day out of the blue, with the bomb that he wasn’t happy and miserable and that something had to be done. That was 10 weeks ago.
He treated me nasty all those weeks – making me think I h ad done something to cause all of it. Within that time, I found out 3 days after telling me the bomb that he booked a vacation with the other woman. And within that time, talked about going to counseling to help US. When he went on this vaca – telling me it was a business trip, he told me while he was going out the door – to find a place to live. While he was gone, I found out she is a married co-worker. I kept it to myself till he returned. I hit him with all of it when he came home. He wanted to talk rational about it, told me he would help me in any way, paying my car and helping me with furnishings when I leave. In turn, I couldnt talk to her or her husband. OR he wasnt paying. I kept that promise because I need my car paid, I had an agreement written for us to sign because he suggested it be done, more or less hush money. NOW he won’t sign the paper. I inserted a clause stating I will not contact the persons involved – like he asked. But that isn’t good enough, he wants to also say that if ANYONE sontacts her- he isn’t paying. I stated in the paperwork that I am only accountable for my actions, no one elses. And he laughed at me.
I have been with this man for 7 years, not married, taking care of him, his house and things that come up on a day to day basis. I am surely entitled to something. I am trying to make it on my own with two college age children that I soley out through school. When I moved with him, it was to help with that situation and to give my kids what they needed. Now, I am at a loss as to what to do, if he don’t sign the paper stating what he verbally agreed to do for me.
Thanks
Susan in Pennsylvania
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Lindsey Reply:
July 24th, 2009 at 8:36 am
Hi Susan. I’m so sorry to hear you are going through all of this as I can certainlly imagine how frustrating it all must be. I suggest you contact an attorney to determine what legal options may be available to you. For instance, if the two of you purchased any items together, then you may be entiled to some of it. Also, there may be other agreements the two of you have made which may be enforceable. You won’t know whether or not you have any legal rights unless you speak to an attorney. These kinds of things are highly fact specific, so the attorney will probably have some additional questions for you. Many family law lawyers do give free initial consultations. You can find an attorney through the directory at http://www.lawinfo.com.
Good luck!
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To discover that my husband was cheating on me with a number of different women for 20 years out of the 30 years we have been married, is about the worst thing I am forced to deal with. About a year ago his latest”side dish to life” wrote me an e-mail telling me all about their affair. Since then, my husband and I have worked very hard to patch up all that went wrong between us but this woman will not go away. Throughout this past year she continued to write to me, to my husband, calling him non stop and is continuing to do so to this day. We tried to stop her to no avail, she is relentless. At this point I am looking for a legal arm or advise how to deal with this person who knows no boundaries.
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Lindsey Reply:
July 28th, 2009 at 10:04 am
Oh my goodness, I am so sorry to hear about this frustrating situation for you! I definitely suggest you speak to an attorney regarding what legal options you may have. Sometimes a restraining order or no-contact order may be obtained to protect you from harassment. Whether this kind of thing is available in your situation will depend on additional facts which you should discuss with your lawyer. There may be other options as well. Good luck with everything!
Find a lawyer at http://www.lawinfo.com.
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I believe you should be able to sue them. To bad we don’t hang people for adultry anymore.
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My ex-husband and I met in high school. We have 3 sons ages 23, 17, and 12. 1 grand-daughter, 1 expected in Jan. on his birthday. We were married for 11yrs. 5mths. We seperated due to him admitting to having what he called an almost affair with his married professor for 5 mths. In an effort to reconcile, and keep our family together we sought counseling. During this time he began to chase a neighbor (according to her) by leaving notes on her car. She knew he was married. She knew each and everytime my children and I were there, she saw us leave. Yet she accepted his advances and invitations to lunch, dinner, drinks ,etc.. She talked about how she’d moved here (to Georgia from Florida) and was in pursuit of finding that special female to make a life with, after going through 2 divorces herself, but decided to give him a try for the sake of 1 last time with a man. She boasted to me about their 3yr. relationship, and how she demanded he get a divorce to be with her. He met her demands. He bought a new home with money I provided for the down payment months before I actually knew he wanted a divorce, which was all a part of our new plans for our future after reconcilliation. He’s moved her in and boasts about her knowing me from his complex, and being with her for a while. Sept. 1, 2009 marks the day he and I were apart 3 yrs. This hurtful info. was given to me in July. He doesnt have a good relationship with his sons because theyre not too happy with dear old dad. I m am seeking counseling just to deal with my hurt, and to help my children with their pain from the situation. And the list goes on. Is there an attorney out there that could be of help to me in the metro Atlanta, Ga. area? Please contact me. zinnmcm@aol.com
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Lindsey Reply:
September 11th, 2009 at 10:21 am
Dear Hurt… I am so sorry for your pain and can understand how difficult this must all be for you and your family! Glad you’re in counseling for the emotional and psychological part of it. If you speak to a lawyer, you can certainly empower yourself by learning about your legal rights. Property acquired during marriage is typically considered to be marital property, subject either to equal or “equitable” distribution between the spouses, unless one or the other spouse can show that it should be considered their separate property. Not sure how those principles affect the situation with the house you mentioned. You’d need to discuss the details with your lawyer. You can find a divorce or family law lawyer in your area at http://www.lawinfo.com. Just search by practice area and your area code or city. You can also take a look at the info on divorce and your rights by clicking here: Divorce, Helpful Articles on Divorce and Property Division. Good luck!
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I think so, the other person takes time, money, attention and love from a spouse and often children…so if the other person knowingly has a affair with a married person, they should have to make restitution…just like if you help a criminal cover up a crime , you can be held accountable.
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What if the cheater is dating multiple women who all think they are the only one and he is a deputy sheriff?
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shufflinalong Reply:
January 13th, 2010 at 10:32 pm
Hi Tena,
Hire a private investigator to locate all the women and evidence you need to help your own case if you are unable to do so, there are many ways to do this yourself. If your unsure of what evidences you need for your case, ask the attorney who will assist you in your divorce. He is obviously proving that he should not be in his position even if only for the fact of him numerously breaking the code of conduct or morality. He is in a position of protect and serve, not lie and lay pipe with every damsel in distress. My soon to be ex is with the FBI, and puts people in prison for the things he has done during his affairs with well over 20 women add to that prostitutes if that says anything. Just because a person is in a position of respect and morality, doesn’t mean they behave in said manner, and should no longer be allowed to have that professional title in front of their names.
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am i’m right
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My wife cheated on me with my friend whish happens to be my Pastor for 18 yrs ,they kept this relation for about 5 to 6 yrs I forgave my wife but I cant forgive that manI dont know what to due! I have 2 children and I need to know if I get divorse can I keep my Children? I’m from California
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albert Reply:
December 19th, 2010 at 7:54 am
It depends if she wants to move out or not .Is she a good mom and very close to the kids ? Does she want a divorce ? It really depends on the circumstances.They will still give her custody of the kids if she was a good mom and has never abandoned them but if the opposite is true you can get custody ,I did. I kept harping on my wife about the affair and she finally said she was moving out to get her head together.Once shes out go right to family court and file for custody. Claim abandonment and neglect if thats also the case.Family court is free at 1st through a mediator but if she doesn’t agree you will get another court date and you will need a lawyer.Ask for joint custody but you want physical custody.Stay strong,I know its tough. My wife cheated with my brother in law 6 years ago and again just recently! I gave her a 2nd chance after the 1st affair because I had a 2 year old,4,7,10 and 12 yr old in the house.Once a cheater,always a cheater ! Good luck with everything .If you need any help just post a reply…Oh,get that creep ,The Pasor,thrown out .He doen’t deserve to wear that cloth.
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Absolutely, both cheating spouse and the “other” man/woman should be held responsible.
I think people would then think twice about entering into an affair if there was a chance they would be sued for the damage their actions caused. The “no fault” law, makes it is just as easy to get out of a marriage as it is to get into one. With the “if it feels good do it” mentality, which is fast becoming the norm, perhaps wedding vows should be… “to love, honour and cherish until someone better comes along”! Then again, it maybe better to scrap marriage all together.
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“Yes – the “other” person should be held accountable for their actions. This would include emotional involvement leading to a break up. They should not even be entertaining an attached person. ”
Marriage is a law, the one who broke the marriage broke the law of marriage and family, therefore, he or she should be held accountable for it.
My husband has affair with Peaches, and I spoke to her on the phone and told her to back off. She said that she had a relationship with him since 2002 and break up in March 2006.
Peaches knew who I am when I called her. She knew that she is having affair with a married man. When we moved here from California, Peache called the motel that used to stay temporary while I was looking for a house. She stated that her name is Peaches, and the reason she called is to tell me that she is the one that she has been sleeping with my husband when I wasn’t here. She said, that was very hurt because she thought that she is having a relationship with him and came to her surprise that my husband called her and told her, that they can’t see each other because his wife and the kids are moving from California to work things out. She was mad and that is why she called me to tell me all about what she is going between her and my husband. I told her I’m sorry you’re hurt, but that is what happen when you sleep around with married man.
She didn’t stop there, I followed my husband down and found his secret party place. She didn’t stop then. She continued to invite my husband to her appartment.
My point i wanted to make here, yes, that we should have the third party be resposible as well especially in my case she knew that she is messing around with a married man and not only that I’ve spoke to her. Only an idiot think that she is having a relationship with a married man…lol!
The goverment and the court need to look at this issue that if we enforced this and create that law, there will more marriage will be save.
Here is why I think that we should have a law that allow us to sue our spouse and the third party be responsible:
1. More marriage people will be doing counselling to save their marriage and save them time and money.
2. When marriage are broken and one spouse end up with the kids and if she or he doesn’t have a job, this part of the family will turn to wealfare. Now, if the third party has a good job and the wife or husband doesn’t and they have to start from zero or nothing the third party should be part of it and so as the cheating spouse.
3. Less disease will spread.
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What can I do to a Church/School who didn’t fire an employee who had been seducing my Husband. My kids spent almost 3 yrs in this private school. My husband did sub-contract work for them. This is a woman I knew and was friends with her and the family. She kept my husband busy with work in hopes to spend more time with him, well it worked and they had an affair which lasted for 4 months. The affair occured in the schools nursery, thats were they had sex. I found out told her husband and the pastor. As it turned out she didn’t want to see him (Husband)working there any longer so the pastor let him go, and she went on to be Director of Daycare. I couldn’t take seeing her everyday so I left the church and the school my kids loved And moved out of the area. I feel like I’ve been screwed not just by my husband and his whore, but by the pastor and the school administration. Do I have any recourse??
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Yes, i think that if they other male or female willing know that the person is in a relationship and they have an affiar with them the should be held accountable for it. and if the spouse can get proof of it then should be allowed as evidence in the court of law. Maybe this world be a better place if other leave what dont belong to them alone.
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Lm Reply:
July 27th, 2010 at 3:32 pm
Prosecuting the other man or woman is just a means of ignoring your own defects. And an affair is the mother of all cop outs served on a silver platter the the betrayed spouse.
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I just went through this ordeal myself. I am serioulsy thinking of suing the female who knowingly decided to pursue my fiance. She lived next door to us and for 2 years saw that were were in a very serious relationship together – now she claims that she is pregnant by him – I had to go get myself tested for HIV/STD’s last week – which i had to partially pay for. My best friend asked me what would I get out of suing this girl? I would get the satisfaction of dragging her name – exposing her to her so called Christian congregation – her family and friends have a different idea of how she became pregnant! I want her to know how much damaged she caused so that she won’t do it again. And don’t worry my boyfriend is being dealt with also!!!!
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I have to agree that people should be held accountable. Maybe then people would think twice before marrying, and our divorce rate wouldn’t be so high. I know men and women cheat on their spouses, but if they thought they might get sued and their actions were public, they might not. Or at least they might try to either work things out first, or get the divorce long before the cheating occurs. Women should also bond together, instead they undermine other women’s marriages. I guess all of us women that have been cheated on can only hope our deceitful ex husbands continue to cheat and break the other woman’s hearts in the process.
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Absolutely, sue the boots off the other person and the spouse/significant other..
Why?
1) Infidelity is a case of dangerous and recklessness behaviour.
2) If serial infidelity, time and time again, sexual and emotional health is affected, invasive STD and other womb tests can be humilating – all due to the reckless behaviour of a partner or spouse
3) Money for the family is likely to have been spent and liquidated to benefit not the family but the other person. Another act of betrayal.
4) Why should the person suffering the fallout of the actions of two selfish people be left with the hurt, pain and then the important job of pulling everything together at a time of intense pain.
5) Why should the person betrayed have to face the costs upfront of seeking advice both legal and financial to protect themselves whilst the betrayers get off Scot Free ?
Why should the betrayers sit back knowing that one may not be able to afford to take such important action whilst off to a new life leaving havoc and heartache and grieving children behind ?
6) Seeking a personal injury claim should hammer home the message hammer that such acts of harm cannot be tolerated .
7) The harm is happening in one’s home! The injury is taking place right under the noses of the betrayed in secrecy with the internet, text messages and mobile phone companies usually peddling their “Personal Services” to male subscribers .
It’s a personal injury for sure and it should be a case of sue, sue, sue the other person AND your significant other, spouse.
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I think you should be able to sue for financial loss especially when this person knew your spouse was married and had kids.Each state should have a legal contract that states what will happen to you and the person you have the affair with . I guarantee people will think twice about getting marriedand cheating but it will be worth it.Less broken hearts and less children who have a screwed up childhood.
God bless you who are good and righteous ! I am now a single father with 5 young children and I feel I have won the battle because my kids are doing better and I could be what I always wanted to be….a super dad. Up,up and awaaaaay !
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This one speaks loudly, it’s gotten out of control. People that are able to make choices that hurt others need to be held accountable in marriages or long-term relationships. It should be a website to check out the cheaters, just in case you run into one of them.
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ABSOLUTELY THEY SHOULD BE HELD ACCOUNTABLE FOR THEIR ROLE IN HELPING DESTROY A MARRIAGE! In my case my husband started a conversation not even a month after we were married for a 2nd time in 2010, by Sept 2010 they were being intimate & she was already trying to get pregnant w/his child (keep in mind that she already has 3 children & doesn’t know who the father is of any of them), I lost my Job bc of false complaints she made while I was on medical leave from Oct 2010 to Feb 2011, was hospitalized & medicated due to the massive emotional distress this has caused, kicked him out late Jan 2010 but by Valentines Day 2011 he came back & at that time had laid the bombshell news that she was pregnant w/his child. She has him completely convinced that he is the father so much that he doesn’t want a DNA test done to prove one way or the other. Also keeping in mind that he wasn’t with her all the time, I had to keep close visual on him so that wouldn’t happen. She has called the cops on me several times & I haven’t her not once. I believe that if you deliberately do something to someone else (if you can dish it out be prepared to take the consequences) then you should face the other party like a man or woman. She has told him she won’t fight him if he wants a DNA test done but all that has done was convince him more that she has no doubts about him being the father. Now let me say this….he has alienated all friends, family, & EVEN HIS ONLY CHILD OF 21YRS, plus me for this whore. He has basically changed his whole life in the blink of an eye. We were a very happy couple & family. He had told her back in Oct 2010 that he wanted to stay w/me & work things out but she didn’t listen & pursued him anyway. She is decietful, manipulative, heartless, controlling & any other thing you can think of. I mean if she doesn’t even put her own daughter who was in a car wreck before a man then there is something definitely wrong w/that woman (that was the most recent event that happened). I WOULD EXPECT MYSELF TO GET OR TAKE THE CONSEQUENCES OF MY ACTIONS & BEHAVIOR IF I WERE TO BE THE ONE CHEATING W/A MARRIED MAN OR A BOYFRIEND & I WOULD TAKE THE PUNISHMENT LIKE A WOMAN BECAUSE I KNOW THAT I WOULD DESERVE IT!
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iu found this website and i feel so great about the idea u can sue the “other” for all the pain and damage. It’s not cool when u get married and all of a sutton things go wrong in a marriage ur partner “think having the right” to cheat on u but never ever tried to let u know what he/she is missing!!!!!!! marriage is a commitment and i think you should have the right to sue the “other” and the cheater. This days we have all kinds of STD one is HIV if ur spouse cheats is there always a chance to catch a STD. When the person you love cheats on you then it causes you pain sleepless nights, conflicts, lowering of your self esteem, you feel unattractive and and and….so yes you should be able to sue the Other person for all the damage that they causes you and your kids
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You bet they should be held accountable. How about i the woman is a councilor your husband went to for help with his depression and his marriage. 5 months later she has him living with her and abandoning everything and keeping the husband from doing anything with the wife or kids. Yup, this old duck he is with “would never want to hurt him, she loves him”:, but it’s perfectly acceptable for her to hurt me and our kids because she systematically contributed to his not talking to me. He had agree’d on counseling, to work things out, then he see’s her and WHAM-O, he’s angry, I’m controling him, and he will never trust me.
I want to see her lose her license, to lose her job and never work again. She is a predator.
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Trust! I have full knowledge of the situation of infidelity it’s a matter not to take lightly. The Government want to research this matter. We have the ability to substantiate it. We know how it affect the parties and worse yet the chidlren, America is now living in a dysfunctional society, and there is no accountability that’s why America is in trouble the economic crisis this play a major role. when we put the facts together the outcome will be compensation or even jail time.
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