By: LINDSEY O’NEILL, ESQ
If a husband has an affair with another woman, should the wife be able to sue the other woman for emotional damages? What if the couple isn’t married….. should the girlfriend of a cheating boyfriend be able to sue the other woman for the adultery? Or vice versa - should a man be able to bring a lawsuit against an affair-partner? Should any injured partner in a relationship be able to sue the pants off someone who snuggled up to their honey? (Well, technically, their pants were already off, but anyhow…..) Now, my question here is limited specifically to the situation in which the couple appears to be happy - he tells his girlfriend how much he loves her, they have all kind of fun with their friends, everything appears to be great…… but he’s secretly having an affair, intentionally lying to his girlfriend…. and the other woman agrees to carry on the affair under wraps.
Put it this way, the betrayed party has many choices for dealing with their partner when an infidelity is discovered - divorce, break up, stay together, throw things at him…. you know. The point is, there is some level of accountability for the betrayer - he loses his wife or girlfriend, may have to pay spousal support in divorce, will likely bear the wrath of family and friends, etc. Even if a he begs her for forgiveness and gets lucky enough to get a second chance, he’ll have to go through the arduous process of earning back her trust, which usually includes a loss of certain freedoms previously enjoyed, etc. What about the affair-partner? There is that age-old argument…. “Well, its not HER fault…. the husband is the one who chose to break his marriage vows…. the affair-partner didn’t make any vows to the wife, why should SHE be held responsible.” Well, why shouldn’t she bear some responsibility? She’s equally at fault! SO WHAT if she didn’t make any commitments to the wife or girlfriend. Does that make it right for her to go after someone else’s husband or boyfriend? Does that make it right that she should participate in the lie, the deceit, the fraud? Does that make it OK to intentionally harm and cause emotional injury to the innocent wife or girlfriend? Even if the doggish man pursued her…. she still knowingly entered into the affair.
Here’s the thing - we’ve decided as a society that certain behaviors are not OK. As a result, we’ve decided that there are certain standards by which people are obligated to act. We expect people to act according to “that degree of care that an ordinarily prudent person can be reasonably expected to exercise under similar circumstance.” If someone acts “unreasonably” in those situations, then they can be sued for the harm caused to a third person as a result. For instance:
If you are injured by a driver who failed to exercise reasonable care when driving on the freeway, you can sue them because all drivers have a duty to act reasonably to prevent harm to other drivers. Doctors are supposed to perform their duties as any other reasonable doctor would in a similar situation, or else face liability for medical malpractice. Store owners must put up a sign when a floor is wet, because society considers that to be the reasonable way to act to prevent someone from slipping and falling. Homeowners must warn guests in their home of any sort of danger that may be posed by an ongoing remodeling job of the kitchen. If someone punches you, you can sue them for injuries for intentionally hurting you! You can even sue someone for intentionally harming you emotionally and psychologically. If someone tells a bunch of lies about you, you can sue them for defamation and damaging your reputation. You can sue the manufacture of a toy for failing to adhere to certain standards to make the toy safe to play with. You can even sue someone for interfering with a potential business relationship - for convincing someone to breach a contract with someone else. ….. but you can’t sue an affair-partner for interfering with the most important relationship of your life? Or for helping them to break their commitments or vows to their wife/girlfriend or husband/boyfriend? Isn’t it reasonable to expect that other people won’t have a secret affair with your spouse?
Now, alright, I know I’m simply discussing general legal principles here and applying them to the circumstance of the “other woman” or “other man.” But…. it just seems right to me that people should be held accountable for the harm they cause to others - especially harm to the things most of us consider to be the most valuable, fundamental relationships in our lives. So sound off people…. What do you think? Should we hold those good-for-nothing, deceitful, behind-the-back, home wrecking, boyfriend-stealing, girlfriend-wielding, petty, pantiless, pathetic people responsible?? Or should they get off Scot-free? All we’d be doing is holding them accountable, along with the cheater, for failing to act the way we expect anybody else to act, the way we expect any ordinary person, any reasonable person, to act. And, hey, if the affair-partner were required to pay damages to the innocent spouse for the injuries she caused, then perhpas there would be a deterrent effect and less cheating would result all around. Just a thought….
Let me know what you think! Looking forward to your comments …. Just scrowl down and have YOUR say!
Should you be able to sue the affair partner?
Lindsey O'Neill is the Director of Legal Content and Business Development at LawInfo.com. In addition to her role at LawInfo, she is an attorney in private practice based in La Jolla, California, counseling businesses on a wide variety of legal and business matters. Ms. O'Neill is also general counsel for Naturally Modern, LLC, a design firm focused on modern furnishings and accessories for an indoor-outdoor lifestyle.
14 responses so far ↓
1 Hippity Hoppity // Feb 29, 2008 at 11:43 am
Ummmm . . . in North Carolina you CAN do this. We actually have two causes of action: alienation of affection and criminal conversation.
2 Maybe Not // Mar 4, 2008 at 12:31 pm
It’s a pretty good point. Personally I wouldn’t sue if I was cheated on unless circumstances like these were present and then I would consider it:
It impacted me financially-business relationship
It impacted me physically-STD, etc.
But being lied to, fooled, or betrayed…I guess I hold my self responsible in that case. Not that I did anything wrong, but clearly something is missing for me that I chose to be with and failed to recognize (or address) issues of integrity and intimacy.
3 iamorangepeels // Mar 4, 2008 at 7:47 pm
Sounds utterly facist…the law has no buisness interfering w/ people’s love lives. If you want that kind of drama watch divorce court.
4 Jules // Mar 5, 2008 at 6:05 pm
While I am not in favor of more suing for the sake of the “sue-happys” looking for another way to extort money or hand-outs…I feel this digs way too deep into affecting the primary relationship in our lives.
Absolutely… both parties should be held accountable for their actions and wrong-doings! Either the other woman or the other man should be held accountable for the emotional, mental, physical, and/ or financial damages that they inflict upon not only the wife/girlfriend or husband/boyfriend but upon the family as well. The affair does not only leave its sludge and taint the relationship between the wife and husband/ girlfriend and boyfriend but it bitters all those involved with the couple…family and friends on some level….so they should at least be held accountable to the ones directly affected. Go get them!
5 Pam // Mar 6, 2008 at 3:49 pm
Well, since I am a victim of betrayal, I say yes because I AM injured and for 4 years this “other person” knew exactly what they were doing. Now everyone will think how could she not see the signs but strangely enough my husbands way of cheating was not the norm, at least not to me. There was no perfume, nights away unexplained, he would leave the house as early as 6am on a Saturday saying that he was going hiking and return back back around 11am to 12 noon. Now he is a hiker and it wasn’t every Sat. but the only thing that could have tipped me off was the phone no. on his cell, which he explained that “Mac” was a contractor and of course the phone calls were at the oddest times. Not like others whose calls were late at night and of course she never called the home ph. no. She left a text message though, on Christmas eve with some corny little message like “even though we are apart…you are always in my heart.” That’s how I found out and I NEVER check his phone but it was blinking and I thought the battery was low so I went to plug it in and voila! The rest is history. Christmas will never be the same.
6 Samantha Cali // Mar 6, 2008 at 5:12 pm
I just did something similar to a girl Jenny who tried to help me-i am getting back at my ex and it feels good
7 Jose Canales // Mar 10, 2008 at 9:06 pm
Well here in Texas I don’t believe that anyone wants to go after our wifes or husbands lover. We believe its our wifes and husbands fault, they are the sinners. In Texas they do pay, for adultery they loose almost everything. Custody of children, house, vehicles and cash. Just notify your divorce judge and show them a video where the sin is being committed and walla your husband or wife is finished. But on the lover I guess you can always sue for harassment
and emotional distress caused by this pursuing harrassment.
8 what'sthiscountrycomingto // Mar 17, 2008 at 10:18 am
you’ve got to be kidding. I take it the author had a terrible experience herself. It will never hold up in court. On top of that, you’ll be potentially liable for atty fees and costs for filing the frivolous suit. Who said the “other person” even knew your spouse was married. How are you going to prove that? You can’t tape record a phone conversation…federal offense and a state one in most states. Nope, your only recourse is to dump the jerk and get a good div. attorney. Chances are the spouse will come running home unless you had a crappy marriage to begin with which brings us back to the main defense..which will be.. “you never paid attention to me.” How are you going to prove or disprove that? Nope…the courts need to stay well clear of this mess. Leave people’s private lives and their marriages alone unless seeking a divorce. The courts’ dockets are already backlogged with serious civil and criminal cases, we don’t need to pile this crap upon them as well.
9 amanda // Mar 20, 2008 at 3:18 pm
they should be drained dry and hung out to dry they should go to jail or at least be beat till they think they are going to die or wished that they would die. choke them, beat them, let them know you have been there.
10 Faithful // Mar 24, 2008 at 8:39 pm
In California, we’re a “no fault” state…anything goes here. It’s horrible. There’s no sanctity for the marriage vow. It’s too easy to get married, too easy to get out. What’s the point? I believe in God, I believe in my vow. My husband and his girlfriend have chosen to turn their back on both, justifying their actions through that glorious catch-all: we were “just friends”…of course they were! That’s how MOST affairs begin! “Just friends” who send out feelers and cross a forbidden line, feeling deliciously exciting and leaving untold destruction in their wake. His girlfriend has dumped a surgeon husband and is ruining the lives of two young daughters, just for the sake of her selfish mid-life identity confusion. My husband is experiencing his own mid-life family-of-origin issue, and this was his way to avoid the pain…drown it in the euphoria of an affair. Seventeen years of a mostly good life with my best friend…down the drain. My entire adult life of memories, entwined with this man, and he acts like we never even happened. I’m better looking, smarter, kinder, funnier, and definitely less controlling than this woman…he’s not in it to trade up. He’s running from himself, and she was encouraging him wholeheartedly. He needs professional help; our therapist says so. She is a mixed-up woman, and she just thinks ours is a marriage problem. It isn’t. She is egging him on to get out of the marriage, and he’s too foggy to even see her manipulation. In a year or so, he’s going to come out of the fog and realize he’s decimated his nest egg, decimated his sweet little life, and wonder what the hell he’s done. If she were not in the way, he could heal SO much faster (with or without ME in his life.)
11 Ruined // Mar 27, 2008 at 6:36 am
How about this. What if you found out your wife was having an affair? What if you had reason to believe that one or both of your children may not be yours? What if I told you in Massachusetts, the caselaw holds up and the judge will not allow for paternity testing? What if you had to agree to pay alimony in lieu of child support for six years at the same rate you would have paid child support, reviewed annually to get the paternity test complete? What if you found out the two children were proven NOT to be your children, and that there was a 99.9% chance that they have DIFFERENT fathers? And what if I told you that I may not be able to get out of that rediculous agreement, while she is still in a relationship with the father of the second child? What if I told you I was MARRIED to this woman for 12 Years?!?
What if I told you she was having affairs with TWO men at the same time over the last two years of this marrige (term marrige used loosely).
What if I told you it was all TRUE!
So, in closing, I have been mislead, humilated and had, by a woman who was having one affair on and off for 7+ years, and another for the last 2, and was led to believe that these children were mine. Have paid to raise 3 other peoples children, have had to pay child support over the last 5 months for two children that aren’t mine. And now, she will most likely be living with the father of the second child, while I am paying this rediculous human being for six years……..WOW! You don’t think I should attempt to sue not only my soon to be ex-wife, but the other two unscrupulous individuals as well? I would submit to you that is well justified & should be allowed. Thanks Massachusetts! Lets let not hold the people responsible for this rediculous set of circumstances accountable, no we’d rather continue to pennalize the innocent and by the way FAITHFUL person who has to deal with this BS for the rest of his days on this planet.
12 kevin kercheville // Mar 29, 2008 at 2:14 am
is this true in texas if i have damaging evidence of the affair can i take all. even when my house is payed for and both are names are on it,i can prove my father payed for every penny.can i get her name off the deed for the affair.she never signed in documents.im ready to hang it in her ass for what she did im just curious if this is possible
13 Innocent and hurting // Mar 30, 2008 at 9:26 am
My husband had an affair with a woman who knew that we were married. I asked my husband to stop the affair and the other woman as well. The affair was over rather quickly but it resulted in the birth of a child. I decided to seperate from my husband and we eventually reconciled. I don’t blame the baby because he is innocent. In fact, I treat him as one of my own during visitation. However, the “other woman” has continued to disrupt my childrens life and my own. My husband and “the other woman” are both at fault. My husband was wrong and he has done everything possible to put our marriage back together and help our children heal. The “other woman” continues to disrupt our life. My children and I are innocent and we should not have to continue suffering and being harrassed by her. I want to sue her because it has taken a toll on me and my children. I had an emotional break down and can’t function on a normal level. I don’t want to sue “the other woman” for money, she has none. However, I want her to be accountable for her actions as my husband was. She need’s to be accountable for her continued harrassment. Simply bringing her into court and being able to tell her how she has shattered innocent lives would be enough. I hope to find an attorney who will help me and my children.
14 Norma Ramirez // Apr 12, 2008 at 4:16 pm
I have a story that should be on television. (Lifetime). I wish I could write a book as I do believe it will be a best seller.
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